Random

I've been thinking a lot about how different I've raised Peyton and Paisley. With Peyton I read all the books, followed the rules, had the schedule, and did everything just right...or so I thought. I was always anxious for every new stage in her life and instead of getting lost in the little moments, I was wishing her childhood away. I couldn't wait until she got teeth(until it happened), I couldn't wait until she started crawling, and then walking. And here she is my toddler going on teenager. I never took the time to truly enjoy the cuddle time we had and now it is gone and I miss it. I wish I had held her more while she drank her bottle instead of putting her down on the ground.
Paisley is my baby and I have cherished every single moment. I want her to stay a baby forever and never grow up. I was grateful that she didn't crawl at 6 months. She slept in my bed until about a month ago and I loved cuddling her and the smell of her sweet baby breath and skin. I never let her cry it out, my heart just couldn't handle it. And honestly, I don't mind getting up with her during the night. I look forward to opening her door and watching her face light up as she sees me. I love cradling her as she drinks her bottles, I seriously cannot get enough of this girl.
It is hard to describe the love I have for my children. It is so deep and it feels like it just swells out of me; it is overwhelming, but in a good way. I could just squeeze them to death. I love giving them kisses and trying to sneak in as much cuddle time as possible. I'll take whatever I can get! I love sneaking into their rooms at night just to watch them sleep, stroke their precious faces, give them kisses, or pick them up and hold them for a little while. Sometimes I just watch them and laugh and cry at the same time because I love them so much it hurts and they are so dang cute it is funny.
I have always wanted to be a mommy. I knew ever since I was a little girl. Brandt and I used to argue about when we would have kids before we got married...and of course I won :) I never wanted to put it off. Being told that you may never have children was the biggest punch in the stomach, but I never gave up. I know that I didn't have to try as long or as hard as some people, and I know I am lucky and very blessed. But it still hurt when month after month I had the same disappointing and shameful feeling. I view both of my girls as miracles and I cannot image a life without them.
For my 20th birthday Brandt took me on the best date ever. He planned everything and completely surprised me. He picked me up from work and had me pack a bag. We stayed in the cutest, haunted(that's a whole different story) cabin and went bike riding in the mountains in Durango, CO the next day. It was so much fun and beautiful but we both felt like something was missing. I remember turning to him and saying, "Wouldn't this be so much more fun if we had kids?"
Being a parent is definitely hard and there are so many heart aches involved. It is trying, not only on yourself but your marriage. But love is what we go through together right? I know that the struggles I have had are only making me a better person and I am forever grateful to my children for that. I love them and I love Heavenly Father for trusting me to take care of his children for this short period of time. Sometimes I get so anxious that I am being a horrible parent and doing all the wrong things and somehow I am completely damaging my children emotionally beyond repair...and it breaks my heart. I never want to intentionally hurt them and I have to pray for forgiveness and hope that they know that I love them and would never mean to leave emotional scars.